Going it alone

You wake up and know exactly what time it is. It’s your first thought. Your second thought is to turn off your alarm, which could mean actually turning it off or only turning it off for five to ten more minutes. If that’s the case, if you’re the snooze type, then the second time you wake up, you will still know exactly what time it is.

You lie there. You never were the type to spring right out of bed as if the sheets were on fire nor will you ever be that type. You check your emails, deleting most of them. (Why does Victoria’s Secret send you emails at 3:47 in the morning?) You check the weather, even though you checked it the night before. You put your phone down and continue to lie there. You should get up, but instead you spend another three minutes contemplating the clean clothes in your wardrobe, going over your schedule for the day, and doing strange calculations in your head negotiating how long things will take. Finally, you get out of bed. Your feet are cold.

You are now at the kitchen table. You are dressed for the day and your bag is pretty much almost packed. In front of you is a very familiar breakfast. Some days this breakfast is a bore and other days it’s a comfort. Some days you wish you could be one of those people with juicers who always have green healthy smoothies ready to go or who you know, just have a chef on hand at all times. Other days, you simply appreciate the routine.

And so then you go, closing the door behind you. It’s nicer outside than you thought, or maybe you’re just completely apathetic about the weather. You get in your car, turn it on, and then wonder what in the world possessed you to listen to music so loudly the last time you were in your car. At least you’re awake now. You find a song worth listening to, or maybe you’re like me and find it absolutely necessary to have a soundtrack to your life. In fact, it is so important to you that you have actually been late before because you were trying to find the perfect song for your mood. Then you realize that your apathy for the weather is taking over more of your mood than you thought and nobody writes songs about apathy. But they should. It’s a common enough mood these days. So you go back to finding a tolerable song and drive away renegotiating your calculations so that you can make time in the day for a nap. Priorities.

So you go about your day. You have three-second fantasies about everyone you make eye contact with. Maybe they’ll turn back around and tell you everything you need to hear and then kiss you and together you’ll live happily ever after. Where would you live? Would your mom approve? Would you two be able to make enough money to afford a chef?

You constantly have inner battles with yourself and blame most of it on your laziness when it comes to doing the laundry. Maybe someone offers you a cookie. You don’t want to be rude, but you promised yourself the night before that you would cut back on sweets. So as a compromise, you only take half. But then this voice inside of you says something along the lines of, “Really? You’re really just going to leave half a cookie laying there? How much of a difference is one half of a cookie really going to make? Come on now. Either you eat the whole thing or you don’t eat it at all. Half a cookie? Really?” So then you go ahead and eat the other half and feel bad about yourself until you get hungry again.

By the end of the day, you really don’t feel like cooking or spending any more money on take-out. You drunkenly ate that frozen dinner over the weekend because you knew you wanted to start eating right and therefore needed to finish all the crap in your kitchen before Monday and doing it drunk was the only way. You don’t want to scold your drunken self because it was a decent idea, but at the same time, your diet went out the window with that cookie and now you’re stuck on what to eat for dinner. So you make a sandwich. You grill it on the stove because somehow that makes it more dinnery than lunch.

You spend the next few hours occupying yourself. You call your mom and then realize you actually don’t have anything to tell her even though during the day you thought you had a million things to go over with her. You really ought to just start writing these things down. Eventually you find yourself back in bed. You set your alarm, check the weather, check to see who the last person to text you was and then realize you actually haven’t talked to a single person in over five hours. You suddenly feel lonely and think about texting your best friend, but on second thought, you really don’t feel like starting a conversation right now. You’ll text them tomorrow. Or hey, maybe they’ll text you. That would be nice. You turn off your light, get under the covers, find a comfortable position, and take a deep breath. Then you get out from under your covers, turn on your light, and quickly do whatever it is that will prevent you from falling asleep. When that’s over, you look at the clock, frown, and then turn off your lights, get into bed, and at some point, when those inner battles decide to take a break, you fall asleep.

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