You are a customer lying face down on the floor during a bank robbery. Describe the robbery from this vantage point.

Now is probably a bad time to ponder the carpet selection, but honestly I’ve been lying down on this thing for some time now, and though I’ve personally never taken the time to really observe this carpet, (I don’t come in here that much. Just my luck, right?) someone did obviously take the time to look at this carpet and select this very carpet out of literally any other carpet available. Someone at some point said, yes, this would be the perfect carpet for a bank. Red and brown paisley, yes. What a great idea! I mean, I realize taste is a completely subjective matter, but I’d like to think I have pretty good taste. All I’m saying is if I were the one who had to pick out a carpet for this bank, I wouldn’t have chosen such a hideous thing. It’s doody brown, really. Maybe if it were a beigy brown I could come around to it, but no, this shit stinks. Was that a pun? Is it inappropriate to be punny at a time like this?

Eh, why not. This honestly could be my last bit of time here on earth. (Did I turn my straightener off before I left?) I shouldn’t be so morbid. I don’t think they’ll kill us. I just have to stay still. Honestly though who even robs banks anymore? Why not just hack into Target’s systems again. Those guys knew what they were doing. These greedy fools just want that cold hard cash, now. For what? Drugs? No, I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. It’s like the person who picked out this dumb, stupid carpet – who am I to reject design concepts for banks? Maybe these robbers are going to use the money to buy all those goddamn delicious pastries from Pret A Manger and give it to all the hungry folk of this fine city.

Okay, let’s say that’s the case. Let’s say these guys (girls?) are pulling some real Robin Hood shit here right now, and let’s assume that precious $87 in my bank account is being stuffed into this dude’s backpack. (Honestly, I don’t know how banks work.) I think that’s something I could get behind. I think I could sleep at night knowing that although I’m screwed for rent this month – eh, I would’ve been screwed anyway – a few bums got to enjoy some chocolate filled croissants. I bet it’ll really make their day. Or month, maybe. I could be part of bettering the world. If I robbed a bank though, that’s probably not what I’d do with the money. I think I’d –

Fuck. One guy is screaming his head off. Jesus, what a shit show. Is he even speaking English? It honestly sounds like Pig Latin. How cool would that be if these robbers made up their own language? That’s hardcore. Ardcorehay.

One of them just fired off two shots in the air so I guess I can cross that off my bucket list now. Damn, that was actually so loud and incredibly unnecessary. Hop off this power trip, guy. No need to put holes in the foundation and no need to continue scaring us. This poor lady next to me has been counting down from 1,000 since they first got here. It’s actually impressive and also comforting. It’s become sort of like a lullaby, something I can count on. (Nice.) Anyway, honestly, I’d probably travel. I feel like that’s cliché, like of course, what else would I do with a boat load of money? Oh wow, I’d totally buy a boat. Yes – oh, but the maintenance. Would I want to take care of a boat? I could hire someone for that, right? With all the money I’d have.

Wait, am I hearing sirens? The cops? Bees? Are they going to have a shoot out? Will this be on the news later? That’ll be a weird phone call to my mom. Okay, yes, it’s the cops. They’re giving orders through a megaphone.  I wonder what would happen if I lifted my head. Maybe I can reach for my phone, live tweet this like the citizen journalist I always I knew I could be, have it go viral, get on the Ellen Show, and win a free trip to Europe for a month without me ever needing to rob any banks at all. This robbery could be the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Wow, look at me putting such a positive spin on things. #posivibes

I think we’ll probably be out of here soon, I mean, hopefully because I don’t really know what’s going to happen to this woman once she gets to number one. Start over? Explode? Maybe she’ll explode. She could be a suicide bomber. She could be all part of the plan here. This countdown could be like a legitimate countdown. This could be a terrorist attack.

Huh, that really took a sharp turn there. Let’s back track. Honestly, I think like a blue/green color scheme would’ve been nice, like what if this bank looked like my therapist’s office? This carpet ought to be plush as fuck. And puppies. There should be puppies here. A person should definitely be able to sign a mortgage while holding a puppy. All I’m saying  is if I were to design a bank, I’d bring in some damn puppies.  

2 Replies to “You are a customer lying face down on the floor during a bank robbery. Describe the robbery from this vantage point.”

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