Bear –
I’m writing to let you know that I forgive you. The bruise on my forehead healed and I had a doctor friend look at the cuts on my arm you were always so worried about. It was nice having someone around to worry about me, but I’m beginning to understand why you left. I don’t like thinking it was my fault because this life I live was simply the one chosen for me. You can’t fight fate. Like that time I took you to Atlantic City. The angels are the dealers and we just have to make the best of the cards handed to us. You can try to keep running but eventually I know you’ll come back to me.
Do you remember that time we stayed up all night? We always had so much fun. You were so determined that night, arguing about it as you rested your small head on my arm watching the waves sweep the sand back into the ocean. I could’ve made you go to sleep, but I didn’t because we were not meant to sleep that night. Nothing can be forced. Remember what you said to me? You told me the stars were singing to you and it was the most beautiful song you had ever heard. I’ve been trying to hear the stars ever since. I listen until they fade into morning. The guys tell me it’s insomnia, but you know how I feel about diagnoses. I tell them my Bear told me the stars sing and that’s all I’m trying to do – listen to the stars. Maybe when you come back, you could try singing their song for me. I’d really like that.
I have seen the sunrise every day because that’s what happens when the stars fade and I got to say, it’s the most beautiful time to be alive. The colors remind me of the way you used to giggle even though you hated to admit I could make you laugh. Sometimes I call out your name just before the sun peeks over the horizon because I swear you are the sunrise. If that’s true, if you died and turned into a sunrise, then I’m sorry I couldn’t get this letter to you sooner, but then I think of you as another one of my angels and I’m glad you’re the first thing I see every morning. I wonder if you – as a sunrise – can see me too.
Everyone is good here. We all miss you. Robbie still sets a place for you at his table Sunday nights just in case you pop in. I bet you miss Robbie’s dinners. You two were so close. He says he forgives you for hitting him. He’s really a nice guy. He says he wasn’t trying to do anything inappropriate with you. That was just him trying to make you feel comfortable. I hope you realize that. All the guys are good guys.
Please write back and tell me everything you want to do when you return and we’ll make it happen. I can take you to a baseball game. The team is looking real good this year. And we can get that funnel cake you love. We can find an empty spot on the beach and scream at the top of our lungs. We can go to the aquarium and you can teach me about the animals. You love animals. That’s why I call you my Bear.
But if you don’t write back and just decide to show up one day, that’s okay too. We don’t need a plan. Fate always knows what to do. I promise I won’t go anywhere. I’ll be right here waiting for you in the sand, trying to listen to the stars.
Love, Dad
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